On the tail end of a global pandemic and an uncertain economic forecast ahead, adding a new resolution to your list of professional goals might be a low priority. But, if now isn’t the time for self-improvement, then when is?
I'd like to offer a modest revision to your 2021 professional development plans: Stop saying “sorry.” That’s right—remove it from your vocabulary. Delete it from anything you type. While you’re at it, go ahead and throw out the board game; Clue is more fun anyway.
I'm serious. Sorry seems like a harmless enough word, but it really isn’t. Those five letters can bring you down and hold you back.
Let’s dive into three times professionals apologize—and why you shouldn’t.
Small Mistakes Aren’t Worth an Apology
If you’re reading this, then chances are you’re not a freelance feather jewelry designer with extra time on your hands. You’re likely already on your second cup of coffee, pushing to meet pressing deadlines while thinking about how long you can go without food before passing out. (The average is about 21 days, by the way.)
The point is: People are counting on you in this imperfect world. And things go wrong all the time. When they do, don’t let “sorry” creep into your mind. If you were late to a meeting, spilled coffee in the break room, or left the cover slide off your TPS Report—again—ignore the instinct to toss out a meaningless apology and move on. If it’s your fault, admit it, take ownership of the mistake, and don’t make it again. If it’s not your fault, you shouldn’t be apologizing anyway.
Giving grace is critical—with each other and with ourselves. Practice saying, “Thank you” instead of, “I’m sorry”. As in, “Thank you for helping clear that up” versus “Sorry I misunderstood.” It not only squashes the blame game mentality; it shows appreciation for the other person in the situation.
Even Big Mistakes Become Water Under the Bridge
What about when you do mess up or a project you’re working on goes sideways? It’s ok to beg for forgiveness then, right? The answer is still no.
Even if you’re the lead on a job, small setbacks are almost never solely one person’s fault. Apologizing may seem like an expeditious way to smooth over the mistake and calm tempers. In reality, it makes you the epicenter of everything that’s gone wrong. Now that you’ve thrown in the “I’m sorry,” you are the sole face of the problem, taking 100% of the responsibility.
Don’t back-pedal or hide behind an overdone apology. Instead, acknowledge the issue and its impact and then be ready with solutions. In the end, most people don’t care why something went wrong; they just want the problem to be fixed.
Sorry Is terrible small talk.
Say you are in the hot seat, and there are mistakes to answer for; don’t succumb to the pressure of the moment or attempt to fill that awkward silence with a string of repentances. Own the problem and stand behind your work.
And don’t throw team members under the bus. Jumping on the blame-train puts you in a terrible light with peers and supervisors alike. Let the buck stop with you. Run at the problem and be confident in your ability to get things back on track. If you need something to talk about, try the weather. Or traffic. Or better yet, talk about the solutions you deliver.
“I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 a.m. and say, "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"
-Mitch Hedberg
Locking & Unlocking the “I’m Sorry” Vault
Knowing when to express honest regret or when to stand your ground, can be tricky. As a professional, it’s important to not use empty apologies as a crutch or to save face. Own your mistakes, big and small, and immediately begin fixing them.
But, as in all things, there is an exception to the rule. Saying sorry is acceptable, and expected, in a few settings: when someone has experienced a tragedy, you spill coffee on someone, or you find out a coworker is a Patriots fan. Otherwise, lock it in the vault and only bring it out when there’s absolutely no other option.